Never Get Betweeen Heero and his Cheese Pizza
by Rebecca the Great
Summary: M yresponce to Shinigami's Yaoi Fanfic Challenge..... very weird.....my first GW fic, so please review!! Please please please?


Author's Note: Whoo-hoo! I've actually finished a Gundam fanfiction! *does the Dance of Joy...and stops when people start staring at her* *cough cough* Anywho, this is a responce to Shinigami's yaoi challenge. Warnings: brief shounen ai, lots of weirdness, hyperness, OOCness, and an exclaimation point warning, and a . . . warning. That's it! Enjoy!  
  
  
  
A shadowy figure entered the gundam hangar. Sinister laughter echoed as the figure shook something vigorously, followed by a hissing sound. More evil laguhter.  
  
Suddenly the lights turn on.  
  
"K'so!"  
  
"Wuuu-chaaan," came Duo's teasing voice. "Where aaaare yooooou?"  
  
Wufei ducked behind the gundam.  
  
"Wuuuuuuuuuuu-chaaaaaaan? I knooooow you're iiiin heeeeeere! Wuuu- . . . . . . . . . . . "  
  
Wufei began to shake, holding in a laugh. Duo had just noticed his handiwork.  
  
". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Heero, Trowa, and Quatre burst in, guns drawn, obviously searching for whatever it was that was killing Duo. To their annoyance, there was no one there. Quatre sighed with relief and tucked his gun away, Trowa doing the same without the sigh. Heero merely lowered his gun fractionally.  
  
"What's going on?" he demanded in trademark monotone.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGG!!!!!!!!!" Duo responded intelligently.  
  
They followed his gaze.  
  
The Deathscythe Hell was a huge, looming hunk of gundanium, wings, and scythe. It could destroy armies of mobile suits. It was one of the most intimidating machines ever built. But now it was. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .mauve.  
  
Very mauve. So mauve it was scary.  
  
And scrawled across it's chest in darker mauve was a single word. "JUSTICE!!!"  
  
"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!"  
  
Wufei, doubled over and red-faced from trying to keep back his mirth, suddenly felt cold. He'd only heard that tone in Duo's voice once before, and it was directed at Hilde. Just before Duo took a chainsaw to her eyebrows.  
  
He shuddered. Maybe he'd gone too far...  
  
"OMAE O KOROSU!!!!"  
  
"Hey, that's my line," Heero muttered.  
  
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU JUSTICE-CRAZED, GREASY-HAIRED, WEAK LITTLE ONNA-BOY!!!!!" Duo raged. He pulled a scythe from hammerspace. "DON'T MESS WITH SHINIGAMI'S STUFF!!!!! WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"  
  
Duo continued to laugh maniacally in capital letters for some time. Everyone sweatdropped. Fortunately for them, he was so far gone that he forgets to breath and passes out.  
  
"That was not wise, Wufei," Quatre said disapprovingly as the Chinese pilot emerged from behind Deathscythe Hell.  
  
"I had to retaliate *somehow*! Can you blame me, after he took all my hair gel and made a sculpture of the Eiffel tower on my head?"  
  
"You could've stopped him at any time," Trowa pointed out.  
  
"He had me drugged! Six triple espressos with extra flavoring and sugar is enough to twist anyone's mind! Besides, did he have to take pictures, and make a video?"  
  
"Whatever, Wufei, it isn't important. What are we going to do when he wakes up?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Who says he's going to wake up?" Heero said, pointing his gun at the unconscious Shimigami.  
  
"Heero! What are you doing?" Quatre exclaimed, his eyes going all wide and kawaii.  
  
"He stole my catch phrase."  
  
"Put the gun down, Heero," Wufei said slowly in what he hoped was a calming tone. "C'mon, let's all just go back to the living room. The pizza should be here by now anyway."  
  
"Pizza?" Heero asked, lowering the gun slightly. Then he raised it again. "What kind?"  
  
"I ordered cheese," Trowa said simply.  
  
Everyone waited anxiously as Heero considered. Finally, he put his gun . . . where ever it is he keeps it in those spandex shorts of his.  
  
"Hn," he said, and stalked out of the hangar.  
  
"Well, then, let's get Duo to the living room . . . I'll have the servants get the paint off, and maybe we can convince him that this was all just a horrible nightmare," Quatre said, picking up the scythe and returning it to hammerspace as Trowa and Wufei lifted Duo.  
  
They trudged back into the random Winner mansion and found their way back to the living room at the front of the house. What they saw there made Trowa and Wufei drop Duo in shock.  
  
Heero was pigging out on cheese pizza in a very undignified way. It was still in the box. Which was still in the delivery bag. Which was still in the arms of the delivery boy.  
  
"Helo me!" the desperate boy mouthed at the new arrivals. He tried to pull away, but Heero drew his gun from . . . where ever in his shorts he'd put it, and pushed it against the pizza boy's ribs.  
  
"*chomp chomp* Omae *snarf* o *gulp snort* korosu *chomp chomp*," came the muffle threat.  
  
"Uh, drod the bag," Quatre, the brilliant strategist, advised warily. "Don't take it away, just let go and back off."  
  
"But I've got tapes in there!" the delivery boy protested.  
  
"I'll give you a hundred bucks."  
  
the boy let go as if it had burned him. Heero didn't notice accept to grab it with his free hand to keep it from falling. The pizza boy fled as soon as Quatre had shelled out a hundred.  
  
Meanwhile, Trowa and Wufei had picked up Duo and plopped him onto the couch.  
  
"I wonder what tapes he had in there?" Trowa - well - wondered.  
  
"Only one way to find out," Wufei responded. "Yuy!"  
  
"Hn? *snarf chomp*"  
  
"Tapes! Now!"  
  
A tape fell to the ground at Heero's feet. Trowa's eyes - well, eye, anyway - widened.  
  
"Oh my God! Get that outta here!" he said, moving to block Quatre's view.  
  
Wufei scooped it up and another few tpes fell on his head.  
  
"Itai! Yuy! You did that on purpose!" he accused.  
  
"Gomen *chomp chomp slurrrp*" said Heero with no repentance . . or emotion of any kind 9after all, this is HEERO, even if her is eating all hte pizza in a very un-Perfect-Soldier-like way.  
  
"Hn. Why should we get rid of the tapes? They're just - MMMPH!" Wufei was cut off by Trowa clapping a hand over his mouth.  
  
"What is it, guys?" Quatre asked innocently.  
  
"Nothing," Trowa said quickly, trying to scoop the tapes up before Quatre could see them. Unfortunately, Quatre managed to get one.  
  
His eyes glazed over, a dreamy smile forming on his face.  
  
"Uh-oh," Trowa muttered, backing away, quickly dropping all the tapes he held.  
  
"Nani?" Wufei asked, still clueless and annoyed that the banged pilot had silenced him in hte first place.  
  
Quatre took a deep breath.  
  
"FIIIGHTING EEVIL BY MOOONLIGHT!! WINNING LOOOVE BY DAYLIGHT!! NEVER RUNNING FROM A REAL FIGHT!! SHE IS THE ONE NAMED SAILOR MOOON!!!" he sang, dancing as he walked over to the TV and plugging the tape into the VCR.  
  
"Oh no. Not the dubbed American version!" Wufei exclaimed in horror.  
  
Trowa nodded grimly. The shorter pilot whimpered a little.  
  
"Those weak onnas!" he squeaked, not really knowing who he meant. "Injustice!"  
  
"SHUT UP!!" Quatre . . . bellowed?   
  
"Quatre bellows?" Wufei asked, stunned.  
  
"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!! IT'S STARTING!!!!" Quatre said, looking very ZERO-ish.  
  
"Na-nani?" Duo asked coming too at last. He got one good glimpse of the television as Sailor Moon appeared on screen. Quatre, in a fit of rage at being interupted, smacked Duo hard. The poor braided American was knocked senseless again, seeing little mauve Deathscythe Hells in sailor-scout outfits dancing around his head.   
  
After three hours of terrified silence, cheesey music, and tranformation after transformation after transformation, Wufei finally dared to see if Heero had left any pizza for them. The wild haired boy had passed out from a cheese overdose, leaving half a pizza in a box. Or at least, he appeared to be knocked out, but as soon as Wufei touched the chunk os congealed chease and grease, his eyes snapped open. He grabbed Wufei's wrist and yanked him down, twisting his arm behind his back.  
  
"Omae o korosu!"  
  
"Help!"  
  
"SHUT UP!! *THWACK!* derrrrrr," said Quarte, falling backwards into Trowa's arms, after Trowa had taken advantage of his distraction to smack him sensless.  
  
Duo roused (after absorbing Sailor Moon subconsciously for three hours, this it important to remember). He took in the scene before him and facefaulted, making a strange wimpering noise. A small slightly see-through* black cat with a yellow moon in its forehead blinked at him.  
  
"Duo, you must save him!" it said, its mouth moving out of sync with its rather prissy voice.  
  
He stood, a small black and mauve scythe appearing in his hands, and cried as he waved it around "Deeeeeaaaaath Cryyyystallll Powerrrr!!!!"  
  
There was strange flash and Duo was suddenly wearing a black and mauve sailor-scout outfit. His braid was now bedecked with black and mauve crystals. Heero, Wufei, and Trowa all stared at him blankly.  
  
"What?" Heero asked.  
  
"I am Sailor Death! I stand for love and cheese pizza! In the name of Shinigami, I'll punish you!" Duo declared. Everyone sweatdropped and wondered vaguely how he could say the words while his mouth moved in a different pattern.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Release Tuxedo Chang or else!"  
  
Everyone blinked.  
  
"Tuxedo - " began Heero.  
  
"- Chang?" finished Trowa.  
  
"That's right!" Sailor Death said.  
  
Heero's and Trowa's eyes met - well, more like Heero's eyes and Trowa's eye... nevermind - anywho, they both decided that it was easier to go along than see what a Duo with delusions of Sailor-Moon-hood could do. Heero released Wufei and backed away.  
  
"Tuxedo Chang! Are you alright?" Duo asked, bending over Wufei.  
  
"I'm fine!" Wufei snapped, not at all grateful at being saved by a cross-dressing Duo. But before he could say anything else, he was being glopmed. Hard. Then he was suddenly being kissed. He struggled a bit, then realized that he didn't really mind. In fact, this was kind of nice . . .  
  
Quatre, laying behind Duo where Trowa had gently set him, awakened. And saw bare legs. His eyes traved unwillingly up. To see that the short black skirt didn't cover everything when duo was bent over. And that Duo didn't like to be confined in underpants of any kind.  
  
"EWWWWWWWW!! Duo no baka! Put your pants on right now!"  
  
  
THE END!  
  
* - it's a halucination! Duh!  
  
Rebecca the Great Says:  
  
Whew! that was weird. Sorry, it's my first GW fic, so please be nice. REVIEW!!!! Please? with sugar and whipped cream and sprinkles and yummy little gummy bears and a cherry on top? ^_^ Arigato! Ja ne! 


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